The Great War

Good afternoon and I hope you are having a nice start to your week. Please pour a cup of tea or grab a cookie. This one is from the heart. The last couple of months have been very difficult for me. I searched high and low to find remedy in writing, and I stumbled upon this quote from one of my favorite authors. It had a profound impact on me and changed the outlook of my present.

“I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her name was grief.”

- C.S. Lewis

I am standing at the edge of the Great War. Rusted by tears, my armor is cracked exposing my bandaged wounds and fresh scars. To my right, Cowardice lowers theirs eyes in denial hoping the scene before them will soon vanish as if this war was merely a mirage. To my left, Hope gleams into the sky and embraces their unknown fate. I stand in the middle, frozen in time with a broken heart and a fractured mind. How badly I wish to be brave and aim my sword towards the black wall of shadow ahead me. Grimacing, the shadow bares its teeth. It’s here and I have to make a decision. Do I surrender or fight alongside my anger? Do I fight this same battle again and win?

I look behind me and see the familiar faces of those I love, my family and closest friends. A friendly black and white dog brushes against my leg and stares into my eyes. I can’t let them down. I can’t let myself down. Reilly’s were raised strong. They don’t give up and look their challenges in the eye.

Turning to face my greatest challenge, the shadow can feel my gaze and strikes. It happens so fast. A sleek black arrow is lodged into my shoulder. The battle of my mind has started. My feet move fast as I charge for the looming shadow, but alas my lungs start to give out. I slow to a stop and grip my chest. Something is wrong. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. I struggle to stand and lower myself to the floor. The pain in my chest radiates throughout my body numbing my fingers and my toes. Staring down at me with black arrows strapped to their back, Anxiety sends me into a panic. As Anxiety draws another arrow, I use my breath to freeze the unwanted emotion in place. Someone pulls me to my feet and hands me my sword. It’s my husband.

I thank him and turn back towards the shadow. I’m not going to let this darkness take away everything I’ve worked so hard to build, everything I’ve dreamed of. Fueled by fire and madness, I run. I run into the heart of the looming shadow screaming and cursing, taunting it to reveal its true self to me. I slam my sword to the ground leaving nothing by silence. Deadly silence. A numbing feeling overcomes me as I am left alone with my thoughts. My mind drags its claws across my scalp as it threatens to wither away and become part of the shadow. My heart aches and tears freely flow leaving behind forget-me-not flowers as they hit the ground. As I sink into my sadness, a familiar shape appears walking slowly towards me from the distance. I didn’t have the care to protect myself or run away because nothing could be worse than this sorrow. The figure grew closer and finally revealed themselves. It was Grief.

Today, I have made peace with Grief. I lost something very precious to me and am still navigating my loss. Some days are easier while some harder. Some days are confusing and numbing, while others feel like a breath of fresh air and a new start. Small reminders, those black arrows, can strike at any minute. Although, I have an arsenal of love strapped to my back and ready for use at any moment. My husbands hugs, parent’s phone calls, Patton’s snores, friend’s funny stories, sister’s photos of moo, and a good book have helped me find ways to wander out of the looming shadow.

I will never understand “the why” nor do I care to drive myself mad trying to, but I do understand that in each day I need to count my blessings and be grateful for the many priceless things in my life. I need to cherish the sound of my mom’s laugh over the phone, my husband chasing my dog around our backyard, my friend’s time, my coconut smelling sunscreen, my fantasy books, my home, and the list goes on. And so does life.

Grief is evidence of love. It cannot be avoided, but it can be reconciled.

I respect those who have lost and who cherish the memories made even if they were short lived. Those who still strap on their armor, but have the courage to take it off for a good meal and trusted company. Life is short and it’s important to appreciate those who go to battle with you, who celebrate your wins, and who hold your hand in grief. Thank you to all my loved ones for holding my hand and to my little shamrock.

“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

-Winnie the Pooh

Love,

The Daily Paige